All posts tagged 'dating tips'

Decoding Dating Profiles: The Top 10 Guys You Want To Avoid

24. December 2012

online dating

Having been online dating since moving to NYC in 2000, it goes without saying that I have more experience perusing men’s online datingprofiles than any single gal should. I want to share with you what I've found to be the top ten dating profile “red flags” that could save you the ridiculous amount of time that I have now forever lost by corresponding with and/or going out with some total losers.

Disclaimer: To any of the men whose profiles inspired and unknowingly lent to the quotes that comprise my post, let’s all hope for your sake that knowing is truly half the battle.

1. Hat Trick
If a guy’s profile only features photos of him sporting a baseball cap, don’t just assume that it’s his favorite hat or that all of the photos must have been taken from the same outing. In "physical description" he may have even filled in the question of “hair color” with “ask me later.” Don’t get me wrong, a lot of bald guys are hot. My dating service even offers a “Bald And The Beautiful” Speed Dating event that always sells out for women. What’s NOT hot is a self-loathing, insecure guy that’s hiding under his hat.

2. “Model” Citizen
Avoid a guy that talks about how he does some “acting and modeling on the side,” is a “former model/personal trainer,” or any variation of having once had a “lucrative career as a model.” They either feel that all they have going for them is their looks, are living in the past, or they’re not looking so great these days and are hoping by mentioning they used to model, you will find them hotter.

3. CAPITAL OFFENSE
ANY GUY THAT WRITES HIS ENTIRE PROFILE IN ALL CAPS SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS. I.E. “I`M JUST YOUR EVERY DAY PEOPLE AND WOULD LIKE TO MEET SOMEONE SEXY, AND DOWN TO EARTH.”  UH, CAPITAL “NO.”  IT’S AS IF THEY’RE OVER-COMPENSATING WITH LARGE FONT FOR THEIR SMALL INTELLECTUAL CAPACITY.

4. “Killer” Profile
If a guy’s profile pic even remotely resembles Jeffrey Dahmer, to the point where you’re seriously questioning if it is actually him or perhaps a first cousin, you might want to go ahead and click "next."   You know what I'm talking about, the thin guy with the glasses, scraggily hair and a total menacing, pedofile-esque look on his smile-less face. Granted, some people aren’t photogenic and look better in person, but honestly, are you willing to risk your life on it? 

 

 

guy computer couch

5. Lost In Translation. 
“Maybe should me first by said that English is no my speaking.” If you think that was hard to decipher, imagine how much time he put “into” perfecting it via his use of the [insert any foreign language] to English on-line dictionary. I’m sorry ladies, I don’t know about you, but I for one don’t have the patience to date a guy that requires subtitles. I’ve done it once, and you just end up smiling and nodding a lot.

6. Actions Speak Louder Than Words
I get really turned off by the guys that describe themselves as “very attractive,” “charming,” “kind,” “honest,” “generous,” “romantic,” “blah,” “blah,” “adjective,” “blah.”  First of all, “attractiveness” is in the eye of the beholder, so post your pic and let us be the judge.  And as for the rest of it, I feel it should come across in what you say and be more of a “show-not-tell.”

7.  Humor Me
Along those same lines are the guys that find the need to describe their humor ala “I have a dry wit, sure to make you laugh,” or “I think that my most marked trait is a somewhat self-deprecating sense of humor.” They may even go as far as to say, “I’m the funniest guy you’ll ever meet. LOL.”  Be warned ladies, these are likely the least funny guys ever. Date the self-proclaimed “funny guy” and you’ll be courtesy laughing for life.

8.  Don’t “Hang” Yourself
“I'm looking for someone to hang out with and get to know.”  Translation:  I’m not looking for a relationship or to take you out on dates. I just want to come “kick it “ at your crib late night, so I can get familiarized with your liquor cabinet and favorite positions. Don’t worry, I’ll bring the 420. Let’s just say these relationships tend to be as short-lived and easily delete-able as the text messages they’re usually founded on.

9.  Come Correct
If someone mentions that they are “opened to the possibilities,” “have interests which might seem like contractions,” are “emmotionally available” and/or, get this, find “grammatical errors an spelling mitakes a turn off,” you may even want to go as far as to “flag” the profile as inappropriate.

10. “Fit” To Be Tied
Avoid any and all guys that say, “working out and staying in shape are very high on my list of priorities.” They probably then delve into stats on how frequently they go to the gym. They of course like to do a “variety of things including hiking, skiing, triathlons, running, biking, etc.” They keep themselves “in tip-top shape and believe the body is a gift and should be maintained.” What they clearly haven’t realized is that being SO “fit” and “big” actually makes “it” appear even smaller than what they’re already trying to over-compensate for.

Amber SolettiAmber Soletti is the co-founder of two of NYC’s hottest dating services. Amber has written many published articles on dating advice and the NYC singles scene. She, along with her edgy, tongue-in-cheek “themed” speed dating, singles parties, and free online dating service have been featured by The New York Times, Howard Stern, Regis & Kelly, The New York Post, What Not To Wear, Dateline NBC, Good Day NY, CNN and more.


 

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Best Laid Plans For V-Day

22. January 2011

So you're single. Rather than spending "Singles Awareness Day" aka S.A.D. staying in and watching a Lifetime movie of the week, why not take advantage of what is in fact the BIGGEST “hook-up” day of the year for singles?  Not only is it the best day to meet someone, Valentine’s Day is also the best night to go out in the city because it’s the one night of the year you’re almost 100% guaranteed that the “singles” you’re meeting are actually single.

Here are some of my dating tips on things to do on Valentine's Day so that you’re actually looking forward to V-day as a single instead of joining in on the pity party.

1.  Pay For Play. Research Valentine’s Day Singles Parties and local dating events on-line.  We’re throwing two major Valentine’s Day singles parties the weekend before Valentine’s Day so that singles can ideally find a date at the event that will take them out on a first date on Valentine’s Day.  These dating events don’t have to be super expensive and are a great way to meet singles that are also clearly looking to meet someone.  If you’re more of a shy, introvert, make sure to look for a party that is more structured and offers activities like speed dating, dating games, or ice breakers so all of the pressure isn’t on you to go up to people and start conversations on your own.

2.  Girls Night Out.  If a dating service that offers singles events isn’t your scene and you’re looking for a more “organic” way of meeting someone, call up your favorite wing woman, get dressed up and do dinner together somewhere fabulous. Post-dinner, hit some local singles bars and lounges for drinks.  Several singles lounges and bars will be offering “ladies night” drink specials for Valentine’s Day and knowing this, single, savvy guys (the kind you want to meet) will be showing up in droves.  Keep in mind when deciding whom to recruit as your wing woman that you DO NOT want to have more than 1-2 women come out with you.  A group of women (3+) can be intimidating, 2-3 women is still approachable while at the same time not seeming desperate that you’d be hanging at a bar solo on Valentine’s Day looking to meet someone. 

Also keep in mind who you are recruiting to come out with you.  The last person you want to invite is your "Debbie Downer", next-door neighbor that is going to bitch and moan all night about how you guys are going to be single for the rest of your lives! 

If you’re looking to have a good time and are seeking attention, perhaps you shouldn’t invite your hottest girlfriend to come out with you.  “Rachelle” may be a good friend and all, but think about how you feel when you’re out with her.  If you feel invisible and like you’re always second choice with all the guys when you're out with her, then maybe Valentine’s Day isn’t the night to bring your Brazilian supermodel friend out.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, I’m just saying!

If you’re looking to meet men on Valentine’s Day here’s another hint…don’t hit the bars with your "gay husband".  Everyone is going to think you guys are together which won’t help either of your causes!  Trust me, it took me like eight years of living in NYC to figure that one out.

If you don’t have a single gf to go out with be pro-active and find one.  Post a platonic ad on Craig’s List looking for a single wing woman to go out with on Valentine’s Day.  I’ve done this before and definitely met some super cool women, some of which I’m still friends with.  My dating agency also offers a  "wing woman" speed networking event where you can meet 10-20 women in one night, one of which who could potentially be your new BFF and Valentine’s Day date.

3.  Milk It! Valentine’s Day is one of the most commercialized holidays ever.  Just because you aren’t in a relationship doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take full advantage of all of the promotions and discounts made available to couples.  Simply recruit your favorite wing woman, "gay husband" or platonic guy friend to take advantage of all of the “couples offers”.  Book a “couples” massage, facial or manicure/pedicure together.  Many restaurants will also be offering amazing tasting menus and special promotions on Valentine’s Day.  As a single gal you definitely want to take full advantage of these types of Valentine’s Day offers.  Use the money you would normally be spending on a significant other and splurge on yourself and/or your friends. 

 

 

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Avoid Holiday Hell. A Single Gals Survival Guide To Meeting The Parents.

26. November 2010

“You Never Get a Second Chance to Make a First Impression,” has been forever ingrained in our minds thanks to the Head and Shoulders ad campaigns of the 1980’s.  Meeting the parents for the first time can definitely be a ‘make or break’ relationship milestone that you want to get right the first time.  Below are my tips and dating service for successfully navigating the “parental waters” during the already stressful holidays.

 

Know Before You Go

First and foremost, only agree to meet the parents if you consider your relationship to be serious and on that level.  I can’t tell you how many of my girlfriends and/or matchmaking clients have agreed to meet the parents of someone they’re not even that “into”.  Talk about sending mixed messages!  Here this person thinks you guys are totally serious because you’re spending the holidays with them and their family, and in reality, you were just in it for the free home cooked meal or maybe just had nothing better going on.  I’m telling you, it happens, so consider what meeting your significant others parents means to them and their family. Make sure this is the path you want to go down because at the end of the day if it doesn’t work out now you don’t only have to break up with them but also their family.

 

The 411

Open and honest communication is key to the success of any relationship.  Hopefully you and your significant other are already close and you are aware of their home life growing up and any on-going family dramas or hot buttons. In the event you aren’t, now’s the time to get up to speed quickly. How did the parents meet?  Are they religious? What do they do for work?  What are their interests, and/or favorite T.V. shows? What if anything did they not like about any previous girlfriends? If you guys are staying the night, are the parents the type to let you stay in the same room?  You definitely need the low-down on anything and everything "familial" prior to going into what could very well be the lion’s den.

 

Get On The Same Page

Anticipating the tough questions and having a game plan as to how to answer them is a must. Do you want the parents to know you guys met at an S&M bar, on a free online dating site, at a singles party for swingers or at a “Bi-onic” speed dating event for bi-sexual women and the men that love them? If not, you better get your stories straight.  Are the parents aware that you are living together?  If not, you need to make sure you don’t accidently “out” your living situation while passing the mashed potatoes. Topics to be prepared for might include if you’re having safe sex, when you’re getting married and/or having kids.  In the event you’re dealing with manipulative parents, or more likely, a possessive mom who may bring up stories about ex-girlfriends, it’s always good to have a full-disclosure session with your mate beforehand so there are no major surprises.  In trying times like these it’s good to refer to the Boy Scouts tried and true motto, “be prepared”.

 

Come Bearing Gifts

When meeting the parents for the first time you definitely don’t want to go in empty-handed.  A nice bottle of wine, their favorite dessert, fresh-cut flowers, a new release or classic DVD or board game of the Milton Bradley variety are some good gift ideas.  If they’re not drinkers, maybe some gourmet coffee, sparkling cider or chocolates. Something personalized is always the best way to go, but at the end of the day it’s the thought that counts. It’s sort of like  Kindergarten where if you bring something to class you have to have enough for everyone.  It wouldn’t be cool for you to bring something very specific and un-sharable, say a picture frame or book for one person leaving out the rest of the family.  

 

Keep It Real

Be genuine, be sincere, be yourself.  Many friends would recommend you avoid certain topics of discussion all together…politics, sex, religion.  I have a different view on this. I believe if these topic come up you should discuss your views honestly and respectfully. At the end of the day if the parents are going to hate you, might as well establish that early on and know what you’re potentially getting yourself into. There’s also a fine line between being complimentary and being fake.  Don’t be the fake, kiss-ass girlfriend that is throwing out compliments left and right, desperate to earn the families approval.  No one likes that. 

 

Actions Speak Louder Than Word

Don’t just offer to help around the kitchen,…jump right in. Is mom setting the table? Grab some silverware and get in there.  This is the perfect opportunity for one on one bonding and to demonstrate your stellar domestic skills. Has everyone finished eating? Start clearing the table. Nothing is more annoying than the faux, almost inaudible offer to help.  The insincere, “Can I help with anything?”, knowing they’re not going to take you up on your offer. You want to make a good impression on the family, don’t talk about it, in the words of Nike, “Just Do It.”  In the event the family is insistent that they don’t want any help, then at that point you can back down knowing you made a solid effort to pitch in.  

 

Go With The Flow

If the family wants to play Scrabble after dinner, even if you’re Scrabble skills are limited to 3-point word plays like [r-a-t], be a good sport and participate.  If dad wants to watch the big game after dinner and you are totally not a football fan, I say suck it up and be one for a couple of hours.  Be the laid-back, easy-going kind of gal that everyone loves.  The last thing anyone wants is a high-strung, diva-esque potential daughter-in-law. If everyone at the table is drinking red wine, don’t be that girl that insists on opening up the bottle of white that they don’t even have until they run out and get it just for you.  If you sit out on the sidelines, and/or come across as demanding and difficult, you become fodder for family gossip and judgment. Variety is the spice of life.  Embrace the family traditions, and at the same time gain more insight and understanding of your partner.

 

Make A Connection

As a woman, ensure you make a special effort to hit It off with the mother and any sisters as they will definitely be critical to win over.  I find asking to see baby-pictures a great way to bond with the mom.  If you go this route just be ready for the long haul.  We’re talking like a minimum of five albums worth.  If it’s a big family gathering make a genuine effort to meet not just the parents, but also the extended family and any family friends. Don’t devote 100% of your efforts to impressing the potential in-laws. This would be a rookie mistake on your part. Winning over the siblings and rest of the fam is equally important. Make sure to pay a lot of attention to the little kids, the neighbors, the geriatrics, and even the family pets. Spend time getting to know each person, connecting with them on some level. If you keep to yourself or just with your partner, others will definitely take notice and you’ll be perceived as an anti-social “ice-princess” ala Sarah Jessica Parker’s character in The Family Stone. I don‘t care if you’re shy or introverted, “fake it till you make it”. 

 

Seal The Deal

The good-bye is key.  Here’s a tip.  If you want to cement it with mom, tell her again how much you enjoyed the food and ask for some recipes of the dishes you really liked.  Trust me, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach by way of his mother’s cooking.  Why do you think Jennifer Aniston is still so close to Brad Pitt’s mom?  You definitely want to go in for the hug and not the handshake as hopefully you’re first meeting went well and you’re now considered family.  Thank them for their hospitality and definitely share that you had an amazing time, and that it was nice to finally meet them and how much you look forward to seeing them again. Seal the “welcome to the family” deal by sending a hand-written thank you note in the mail the next day. 

 

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