Decoding Dating Profiles Part II: 10 More Guys You Want To Avoid

Decoding Dating Profiles Part II: 10 More Guys You Want To Avoid

24. December 2012

online dating

My original top 10 dating profile red flags intended to save you the ridiculous amount of time that I have now forever lost by corresponding with and/or going out with some total losers I met online was apparently very popular. So, I’ve gone on to provide you with ten more guys to avoid!

Disclaimer: To any of the men whose online dating profiles inspired and unknowingly lent to the quotes that comprise my post, let’s all hope for your sake that knowing is truly half the battle.

1.  “Bonus Point” Guy
You know this guy, the dude that gives “bonus points” for anything and everything. If you “have cookie baking and/or cookie eating skills,“ check this out, you get bonus points. If you’re as comfortable in Manolos as you are in flip-flops or hiking boots, in his book you are the recipient of MAJOR bonus points. Trust me when I say the bonus to you comes from avoiding this guy who clearly likes to play “games” and keep “score.” He will spend the majority of your relationship playing Wii or X-Box in his undying quest to accumulate “points.”

2. Webster 
Here’s a hint: if a guy’s dating profile requires a dictionary to understand, including him seeing “remuneration as a somewhat limited levy of attainment,” forget the dictionary and allow me to translate: I am an insecure guy who will overcompensate for my shortcomings by constantly talking over your head in an attempt to impress you with my knowledge of really big words. P.S. I also suck in bed and will therefore incorporate my SAT vocabulary into talking dirty to you, so as to hopefully distract you from what will probably be the “nadir [lowest point] of coitus [sex] of your entire being [life].”

3. “Disclaimer” Guy 
Any guy that actually feels the need to share with you in his profile that he’s not a “guido who’s life revolves around the gym,” an “angry person,” “gay, confused,” nor has he “ever experimented in college,” does NOT require any additional reading. If he describes himself as being “straight, like your gay friend that you can also have sex with,” you may want to go as far as to flag his profile as inappropriate.

4. “Novel” Guy
If a guy’s profile requires scrolling down just to get to the half-way point, you should probably click “next” without hesitation. You’ll notice that he has exceeded the generous 1,000 characters that the majority of on-line dating sites allot. His “about me” write-up is probably abruptly cut off, but not before he was able to squeeze in, “If there’s anything else you would like to know about me, feel free to ask."  Trust me, when it comes to dating profiles, stick to the Cliff’s Notes versions.

5. To Catch A Predator 
These are the guys that are over 35-years old and looking to meet someone 18 and over for a “serious relationship.” Seriously? You’re 42-years old, a high school teacher, have a 20-year old daughter and are open to dating 18-years olds?  Feel free to “date” and potentially move in with this dude if you don’t mind him eventually leaving you for one of his students, or even worse, your future adopted teenage daughter, ala Soon-Yi style.

woman on computer

6. Contradiction Guy
This guy “Likes going out, but also enjoys staying in,” and possesses a “strong, but gentle nature.” His life is “complicated, yet simple,” and he is the type of guy that, get this, “likes to make plans, but also be spontaneous.” Ladies, here’s the deal with this guy: you could go out with him, or not go out with him, he’s totally fine with it either way.

7.  Ambiguously Gay Guy
Avoid any and all guys that say they will “do anything at least once,” and have “been to gay bars,” at their “friend's invitation.” They will probably admit to having had at least one “man crush,” which more often than not ends up being Johnny DeppChristian Bale, or Ryan Reynolds aka “RyRen.” The big tip off is when they say that they have “never gone ‘all the way’ with a guy and have zero interest in it.” But wait, there is however, a certain type of guy that “for whatever reason,” they are attracted to. To clarify, “only “in the 'making out' while drunk sort of way, definitely not in the holding hands and going to the movies sort of way.” Unless you're a girl who really thinks sex is overrated and are therefore down with dating a “bi” now, “gay” later dude you'll want to click "next".   

8. “Average Joe” 
This guy uses the minimum number of required profile characters to share that he “likes to try new things and see new places.” He probably “likes to have fun,” and get this, on his days off, “likes to do various things.”  He of course is “open to meeting different types of people,” and really looking to “meet someone that he can get to know.” “B-to-the-oring! if you could really see yourself dating Forest Gump, and/or eating super bland rice every day for the rest of your life, by all means go ahead and send a wink.

9. Freudian Slip Guy 
This guy might wrap up his profile by stating, “if interested, please massage me.” He is also more likely than not “looking forward to meating you,” and probably implored you to “feel free to wink and say bi”. Ladies, you definitely want to say “bye” to this guy as he’s got a one-track mind and is just looking to “get off” online dating, and not in a “meet the one so he can settle down” sort of way, if you catch my drift.

10.  Low Self Esteem Guy 
This guy might describe himself as having a decent body “if you don’t mind fairly flabby with a bit of a gut.” He’ll probably throw in something mid-way to the effect of “I’m sure I already lost your attention and doubt you’re still reading this.”  You’ll notice this guy for the most part will keep his profile short and sweet, unless of course he’s decided to list all of his short-comings, not because he’s a man of few words, but just in case “you are not interested, at least [he] will not have wasted too much of your time.”

Tell us: what are some other online dating red flags you've noticed?

Amber SolettiOriginally from Austin, TX, Amber Soletti has been living the single life in NYC since 2000. A marketing professional, Amber worked in the beauty industry for Fortune 500 companies including Aveda and Avon. In an effort to subsidize her dating life and income, in 2008 she co–founded what would soon become NYC’s hottest dating services. Amber has written many published articles on dating advice and the NYC singles scene. She, along with her companies OnSpeedDatingSingleAndTheCity & Kissburg have been featured by The New York Times, Howard Stern, Regis & Kelly, The New York Post, What Not To Wear, Dateline NBC, Good Day NY, CNN and more.





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